A Skeptic’s Horoscope For Astrologists
Dear student of astrology,
Whatever your sign may be, you are drawn to astrology to make sense out of the vast chaotic and unpredictable world in which you find yourself. Predicting the future would be overwhelming if it weren’t for this powerful system that gives us bold predictions of what to expect, expressed in conveniently vague language so that it can’t be falsified. The affirmations and validations of your qualities drawn from your horoscope help you develop a stronger sense of identity, particularly in trying times, and once you’ve committed to those early assessments, you recognize the next ones as “spot on”. This narrowing of your sense of self is comforting for you and helps you differentiate among your friends. You are sensitive, gifted with insight, highly intuitive, and very agreeable. You are deeply introspective, yearning for self-knowledge, but instead of consulting with a therapist or studying psychology, you use astrology instead. What’s better than an ancient system of advice based on mythical stories of anthropomorphic gods derived from interpreting patterns in the stars from our unique vantage point observed prior to telescopes to make tough decisions like who to marry, when to quit your job, and where to live?
It’s a turbulent time in the solar system, you should harness that energy and move someplace warm, preferably in the southern hemisphere. According to millennia of human interpretations of the stars, the universe is telling you to quit your job and do what you really love... just wait for the new moon. And based on the alignment of the planets on the moment of your birth, you cannot marry a Scorpio. And being delivered by C-section did not mess up the universe’s unique thumbprint on you — that was meant to be.
Sometimes it can feel like you have no control over your life. And you don’t. But astrology can provide you the illusion of agency that calms your nervous system. If you know the planets are about to align, you can feel confident that taking bold action will pay off this time… and if it doesn’t, you’ll reinterpret why it happened in some other way, doubling down on your belief system.
You don’t care if there are actually 13 or 14 zodiacs because the system of 12 is what you are familiar with and it made so much sense to you before, it must be right. You are more likely to be a woman than a man, higher in agreeableness and narcissism, and lower in extraversion and standard IQ tests. But don’t let scientists tell you who you are… let astrology do it!
You don’t need external validation because you know who you are deep in your being — at least that’s what your horoscope tells you. You enjoy using this common language with your friends to evaluate relationships and blame a series of unfortunate events on Mercury in retrograde or some other perceptual illusion found in astronomy. It feels good to think we are all on this ride together, whether there are actual forces manipulating the collective unconscious or if enough people believing in it has simply created a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Astrology encourages us to dig deeper into who we are and improve, and it gives us an experience of interacting with the mystery of our existence… and it’s rooted in the scientific study of the cosmos, not some ancient dogmatic religion. By the way, don’t trust any of the false imitations of authentic astrology — they will lead you astray. This life-coach and oracle in one is cheap because it can be applied to everybody without any actual evaluation of you or your unique situation. And you can be certain that you have a great and unique purpose, and through your resilience and strong connection to the universe, you are fulfilling it already. Just don’t try to do much on Tuesday — it’s gonna be a cosmic clusterf@*k.